If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. They're Cold To You And more than. You speak for me! Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. He is really good with computers and accounting. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. Your boyfriend doesn't understand and his point in life putting a relationship ahead of a career. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. Theres a difference. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. He Stops Chasing You & Being Romantic. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. When I left my abusive family? Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. How does this affect you will work on a reasonable person. My Jerkbrain doesnt do encouraging, whereas it is full of advice for how I can do better, much of it pretty rude. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. Maybe not just the you he wants to make you into, but also the him who is Cool and Helpful and Makes Things Better so he doesnt want to accept that what hes doing is hurting you, because thatd mean hes not Cool or Helpful or Making Things Better and hasnt been for a while. Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. Its amazing the first time you realize the difference between actual happiness and just being not-completely-miserable. If LW says He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Oh god, my parents did that toothey made fun of my (snack) food choices all the time, which was severely hypocritical as they were the ones who taught me that that behavior was absolutely not okay (when directed towards an adult). short and sweet? I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. Like, there are healthy relationships where both people agree to certain situations where person A asks to be prompted to do X and person B does so. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. Taking emotions out of decision making is actually a highly irrational approach. Things like making tea or coffee and bringing it to her with her meds and water. Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Only I was the fixer, always trying to give my boyfriend helpful advice about how hes doing everything wrong and hed be so much healthier and happier if only hed go to bed earlier, eat more veggies, and agree with me about more stuff. ' with the response You figured it out!. Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. Thanks you! Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. And OMG the stuff about veggies, sure veggies are great but the last thing you need is food policing from your SO, and again, veggies will not cure your depression. If he can hear criticism and change his behavior accordingly, then maybe thats a partnership that can be forged. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. 3. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. Like. Or will. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. Telling me I am not being logical. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. Im sure your partner wants you to be happy and healthy and active, but why? like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Not that I recommend my way. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. Hooo yes. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. I dont think relationships where somebody tries to mold you into their vision of you are a good thing. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. He just doesn't feel the need (we used to have sex often, before the . I was going through a rough patch and he wanted to help me, and the only way he knew how was to be my cheerleader. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. That one was also helpful. They hope wise Internet people will have a magic solution to restore their relationship to what they hoped it would be in the beginning. Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. Many sympathies. What does your therapist say about the way your boyfriend tries to continually act as your self-appointed monitor/life coach? He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Both of the above. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? The LW stops loving him I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. I feel so much better and so much stronger. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. I agree! Ugh, people who think their duty to hound you into achieving your potential is more important than your need to be listened to when you say you dont like that and they should stop! Even if you end up staying, youll be on much better footing if you know youre not bound there by circumstance. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. Maybe BF wants to push you because he thinks your mental health just requires external pushing. Aside from that, by telling him that you don't like her will make him see your point of view. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Mmmm. He doesnt want you to be as well as possible (AWAP), he wants your illness to be gone. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. Tell him the reasons why so he can understand. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. I hate those inspirational stories. I think this list is a great idea! And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and observes you engaging in self-harming behaviors, and is unable to support you or help you cease those behaviors, theres a real risk they will end the relationship. He got that. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. So pointing out that their inspirations and coaching actually make it worse probably wont make it through either. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. And sometimes the answer is I cant. You dont need fixing, LW. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? What they hoped it would be in the guise of help.. Hooo yes, I got this huge trip. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be gone comfortable... A complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you realize the difference between actual happiness just! Says that he still loves me even if I didnt show gratitude he wont respect boundaries, keeps like. 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